Self-Care and Ice Cream

Recently I was talking to friend of mine who is single and childless. She was recounting an experience she had at the grocery store the night before. She witnessed a mother eating a giant ice cream cone, a parade of kids trailing behind her begging for a bite. "No!" She shouted at them. "It's my ice cream and I already gave you a bite!"
My friend was horrified at this cruelty. How could anyone buy a cone for themselves and not one for their children?
Of course I don't condone this behavior. However, I can see where the mother is coming from.
Sometimes as mothers we feel a little spent and empty. I find the same problem happens in those who are caregivers in other situations, like teachers or health care providers.  Anyone whose life focus is serving others is susceptible.  You feel like you give and give and give and so when something comes your way, whether it be an ice cream cone, a coupon, a piece of cake, or a pack of pencils, you covet it dramatically.
When I was a full-time teacher we often had cake in the lounge for various occasions.  Several teachers would visit the lounge multiple times and get more pieces of the same cake because they felt they worked hard and deserved a reward.
The problem is that the ice cream or extra cake doesn't fill the person's need for acceptance and appreciation and renewal. Many of us don't know how to care for our selves. Self-care is something I am slowly learning to do.
At the end of last summer I found myself in that place, feeling as if every moment of my day was in service to someone else. I know that's not actually true; I have a supportive husband and many friends. But I felt like I was empty and a little lost.
I had lunch with a friend and we decided that it was okay for me to take one time a week to do something for me. That permission I gave myself changed my perspective.
My Sarah events take many different forms, but I try to do something once a week for me. Sometimes it means I take a long lunch with a friend. Sometimes it means I spend some time reading a book. I have started scheduling regular coffee or dinner dates with friends. This week my event was spending an evening at our church listening and chatting with friends we've known for years. I also do a lot of journaling, prayer, and I'm more intentional about what I read.  I also write long emails to loved ones.
Giving myself permission to stop work and caring for others for even a few minutes has been freeing to me.
Currently I'm working through the book The Mother's Guide to Self-Renewal and although I'm only on chapter 2, I'm finding this book resonates with my place in life right now.  (If anyone wants to read this as well, I'd be interested in discussing it with you!)
When I'm at my Sarah-event I am joyful and light. Once I get back to my real life with kids and jobs and studies, I am more willing to serve and more present. Once I've taken care of myself, I'm happy and able to share my ice cream, down to the last bite of cone.

The Joys of Motherhood

In conversation with a friend recently, she marveled at my motherhood. "I don't know how you do it," she said. Being a parent seems like a daunting task to her.

It's true. Being a parent requires everything you have and more. In this day and age, parents are becoming more honest and more vocal about the difficulties of parenthood. Perfect facades are being laid down for real discussion about struggling to raise children. Books and blogs focused on frustrations of parenthood are published daily. I'm glad that parenting conversations are shifting toward more truth, but this shift also seems to shift toward more negative discussion. I want to be an honest voice to remind us of joy.

When complaining about the struggles of potty-training, we need to remember the joy and hilarity of the Potty Dance. Potty-training was the hardest parenting task I have faced yet. I was often frustrated and downright mad. But I also laughed until I couldn't breathe when my children made it to the bathroom in time and started succeeding. Everyone in the house stopped what they were doing to dance in celebration.

Homework is hard and some days my daughter comes home not wanting to do it at all. "Can I please just have some play time and then do my homework? Why do I have to do this?" Sometimes I have to firmly redirect her back to her task. Without homework, though, light bulb moments often escape my notice. When we regularly engage in educational activities, I get to see the light in Claire and Paul's eyes as they grasp a concept for the first time.

Having kids is like being members of an exclusive club. My husband Adam and I have shared private jokes for years, but now we have four people in on the joke instead of just two. At the grocery store Paul can say a line or make a face and as soon as I understand the reference, I find myself laughing out loud. In the church pew, Adam often says something to us that makes us all shake with laughter.

Without children, reading is a solitary activity. At our house, even if Adam is reading his own book, he will soon find at least one child in his lap. Bedtime stories are a sacred ritual. Snuggling while reading a good book is ecstasy. On times when I have a few moments to read my own book, I feel strange if there isn't a little person next to me or in my lap.

Being a parent adds newness to every aspect of your world. Items on a shelf that I have long overlooked now spark wonder and curiosity in a child. My daily routines are examined and discussed. Nothing escapes notice. It is exhausting, and sometimes I just want to complete a simple task like getting a glass of water without explaining how the water filter works. But if no one is there to ask, I sometimes forget the magic of everyday life.

I love being a mother. I overwhelmed with love and gratitude when I am walking and suddenly find a small hand clasped in my own. I often wake in the middle of the night to find someone has sneaked in and a little arm is draped over me in affection. I regularly have reason to jump on a trampoline. I
pick dandelions and blow the seeds from the stem. I've always been goofy, but it's much more socially acceptable to be goofy with children. Yesterday I was in a sword fight that didn't have any bloodshed. Outgoing children means friends are collected everywhere, and it is rare to leave Wal-Mart without a new acquaintance.

The list goes on and on. Motherhood adds a layer of intensity to all aspects of my life, but it also adds a huge layer of joy.

Emergency Retreat

Parenting is challenging all the time, but it seems particularly hard during the summer when there are 24 hours to fill instead of just the time before and after school. We stay busy with creative activities and for the most part I am engaged and happy to have the privilege of being primary caregiver at our home, but sometimes I need a break.

A problem of mine is I that I go along my merry way without stopping until I am at the precipice of insanity before I realize that I need some time away.  That realization came to me Saturday as I found myself jealous of Adam spending 30 minutes by himself at the pool store.  Besides a few moments working alone in my office, I hadn't had a moment to myself since a workout on vacation several weeks ago.  My internal clock is off and I haven't been able to get up at my usual 5, so my time is all kids all the time.

I told Adam I had to get out of the house and left.  I found a public place to sit and I sat and breathed for a long time.  Just sat and breathed.  Then I drove aimlessly, picked a random nail salon and ordered a pedicure.  It was fabulous, and my toes look prettier than they have all summer.  Two hours later, I returned home refreshed and renewed.

I'm not proud that it takes me so long to realize that I need a break, that I am not Super Woman with unlimited powers to cook, clean, and take care of kids.  I'm not proud that I had to lose my temper over something petty before I stopped to take care of myself.  But I feel like I have made some progress in that I did stop and reset.  Once I returned home I was calm, collected, and able to make dinner, supervise baths, and read bedtime stories with joy.

I know I am not the only one with this problem.  In fact, yesterday at church, I shared my experiences with a friend who had a similar one on Saturday.  

We all need a break, so I'm going to attempt to take more of them.

I saw this bird on my mini-retreat.  Her feathers look threadbare and she looked exhausted.  She reminded me of me.  (Now please don't ruin my photo and tell me it's really a male bird, because I like to believe it's a mama bird, just like me.)

Dear New Mother

It's a season of new mothers on my side of the family.  I thought of writing a long letter, but then I realized that others may want to read this, too.

Dear New Mother,

Welcome to the crazy, happy, confusing, overwhelming, never-stopping world of motherhood.  I pray that your baby is healthy and happy.  I am not Mother Superior, but there are a few things I can share with you to help your learning curve.

Whether you choose to breastfeed or not, admit to either with confidence.  There are millions of first-time mothers who choose to formula-feed their infants for various reasons.  Their kids turn out great.  There are millions of first-time mothers who choose to breastfeed their infants.  Their kids turn out great, too.

Accept that you will not get enough sleep.  Even on the rare occasion that you have an uninterrupted night's sleep, know that it won't make up for all the other nights and you will often move through your day with an exhaustion unknown to you before.

Know that you are a fabulous mom and the best one your child could ever imagine.  You will always see other mothers who have it more "together" than you.  They will be prettier or skinnier or healthier or more patient or smarter or their kids will bowl you over with awe.  Other mothers are not you, though, so don't try to be them.  Other mothers are not the mother of your child.  You are the best mom to your child, so please be proud.

Be a part of a community.

It's easy to be overwhelmed with motherhood and all the other roles you play in your life.  Your sanity, attitude, perspective on life, and overall mental health hinges on your involvement in a community.  For you, this could be your close-knit family.  For me, it's my church family and best friends.  For others it's coworkers, friends, neighbors, or other organizations they are a part of.  This is the group of people that will listen to you and let you know if you are confronting a mountain or a molehill.  This is a group of people with different problems and perspectives.  Being around them will remind them who you are and how blessed you are in your life.

Motherhood can be overwhelming and my tendency is to "bunker down" and shut myself off from the outside world while I get back in balance.  Really this is the opposite of what you should do, however.  Being in the outside world gives you balance, not the other way around.

Read to your child.  It is amazing how 15 minutes of reading a day sets a child up to be intelligent and sociable.  This action doesn't just make them excel at reading, but also in math, in paying attention, in the ability to sit still, and in caring for our possessions.  When I was a teacher I actually had to teach children to turn pages in a book without tearing it.  I had an entire lesson and chant on it.  When I became a mother I realized how sad that was because my children knew how to turn pages before their second birthday.

There will be other children who are worse than your child.  They will pitch tantrums while your child is still.  Their mothers will yell at them in public.  You will be grateful your children are yours, but don't look down on others.  Tomorrow, or the next day or the next week you might find yourself unexpectedly in the same place. 

There will be other children who are better than your child.  They will know rules of etiquette before their second birthday.  Their clothes will never have a stain.  Their mother will be the epitome of serenity.  Don't look down on yourself, either.  Just be the best mom you can be and be happy with knowing you are the best mom for your child.  Know that your child is best with you.  Who knows?  You might not enjoy having a child that's proper all the time.  Life is messy; you might as well live in the mess.

Find everything you can about the parenting classes/books/videos called "Love and Logic."  It's common sense parenting.

Take some time for yourself.  It makes you a better mom.  It doesn't have to be a lot; just a walk around the block or an hour or two having dinner with a friend.  Sitting by myself and drinking coffee is my time.  This allows you to clear your head and then focus when you return.

Welcome to motherhood both the happiest and most stressful time of your life.  

Love,

Sarah

Expecting less

Some days I feel like I should win an award for superhuman powers.  Laundry, dishes, toys on the floor, and work are all tamed.  I am on top of the laundry mountain, cheering and patting myself on the back for my multi-tasking superpowers.

Those days are few.

Most days I wake up full of hope, possibility, and expectations for the day.  Though it took him months to get his room that messy, I will teach Paul to clean his room in two hours.  I will take the kids to the zoo.  I will wash all the laundry.  I will declutter the counters.  I will squeeze every moment out of my summer "free time" and I will pay attention to the kids and be the best mom in the world.

I set my expectations way too high.  At 5:30 a.m. they all seem realistic, but by 3:00 p.m. I am headed downhill and getting desperate to finish my to-do list.  It's a mere two hours until I start dinner planning and cooking and I usually expect that I will finish my to do list by then.

This week I am catching up on my magazine reading in my "free time" and I read this article: http://www.lhj.com/health/stress/relaxation-techniques/stop-worrying-start-living/

Yesterday I decided I would stop multi-tasking so I could be less overwhelmed.  My new mantra is "I can only do one thing at a time."  I don't believe it yet; I'm still convinced I can do five things well.  I woke up this morning without a schedule, repeating that to myself.  My first "one thing" was catching up on my Bible reading.  I read First and Second Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, and Esther in about an hour.  Then I relaxed (took a nap) since the kids were still asleep (our summer schedules are wacky).  When we got up I repeated my mantra and was able to hang eight loads of laundry with the kids help in 45 minutes.  Later, we focused on finishing Paul's room and it was done in 30.  I focused on the dishes and spent 10 minutes catching them up.  It seems I can do a better job when I focus on only one thing at a time.

I am not multi-tasking.  There's still tons to do and I will never, ever catch up it seems.  But I seem to be less stressed when I do only one thing at a time.  I am not so disappointed when I expect less of myself.  In fact, when I expect less, I just might exceed expectations.

Five Minute Friday: Rhythm

I love the rhythm of the school year and its predictability.  I love knowing what will take up most of our day and I schedule around it.  Just when we grow weary of the daily routines, there's a holiday that resets everything and then we begin again.

Summer's rhythm is slower and less predictable than the school year.  When we'd normally be putting kids in pajamas at 7 p.m., it's fine to take a dip in the pool.  Dinner at 8:30?  Sure.  We let the day set our pace and try not to rush.  There is too much rushing in life anyway.

It's important to me to keep the kids in a routine when they're in school.  It's equally important to teach them this slowness during summer.  

I have recently discovered that I am terrible at relaxing.  As a mother, wife, and homeowner, there is always work to do.  If I don't hang clothes daily, I get behind.  If I don't run the dishwasher at least once (sometimes twice) a day, dirty dishes start overtaking the kitchen.  However, since there is always work to do, I have to learn to turn a blind eye sometimes.  

So this summer I have scheduled many fun activities.  We'll be travelling around town to experience art and music, and trying to learn about the world as we go.  

We're not going to do too much, though, because this summer I am going to learn to relax.  I am going to be on a different rhythm.  I am going to learn to jump on the trampoline for an hour without a care in the world.  I will read storybooks by the pool. I will learn to sit and listen.

Measurements of Time

Throughout my life, I have constantly changed the way I measured time based on my life at the time.
Adam and I each have our own Google calendar which we started to use a few years ago.  Switching our family calendar into electronic form saved many disagreements and miscommunication.  At a glance, we can tell when the other will be busy and when we are committed as a family.
I currently wear a $5 watch and had a history of always wearing one until Paul was born and I quit work.  Becoming a stay-at-home mom meant I wasn't tied to a clock any more.  We ate when we were hungry, and went to bed when we were tired.  My alarm clock made sure I woke up in time to get Adam up, but in general, our schedule depended on what suited our fancy at the time.
Now besides the traditional clock which I have to use for work and school, I measure my time in chunks.  I aspire to wake up at 5:00 every morning and usually get there.  That means I have three 30 minute chunks before Adam has to get out of bed.  Lately I've used one chunk for running, one chunk for Bible study and the other chunk is taken up with housework, sleeping in, or checking Facebook.
Once Adam is off to work, we have a long chunk before lunch, the chunk of lunch, and the chunk between lunch and dinner.  After dinner it's baths, stories, and bed.
While my day is measured in chunks, my week is measured in other ways.
Every Sunday or Monday morning, I bake Adam double chocolate chip muffins.  Each one is stored in a plastic container, which I stack next to the kitchen sink.  We start the week with five muffins, and I always look to see how many are left to remind myself how close we are to the weekend.
Weeks are measured by trips to the grocery store.  Every two weeks when Adam gets paid, I plan a menu for the next two weeks and get all my shopping done.  I usually don't have to return to the store until two weeks later.
At the start of every month I change our air conditioner's filter.  Our month is measured by when I have to buy the filter and when I have to change it.
Currently we are also measuring time with boxes.  Since we're getting all our floors redone, each room has to be packed up in turn.  Our contractor should finish the kitchen floor today, so we can slowly start unpacking and will be 1/3 the way to a normal home.
I also measure time with laundry.  "Whew, that was a two load day!" Or "Man, I had so much time today I folded and put up eight loads!"
I am curious others measure time in unique ways.