I'm not in Kansas any more

Last week I had the opportunity to attend the Church of the Resurrection Leadership Institute in Leawood, Kansas.  The Church of the Resurrection is possibly the most famoust United Methodist Church by itself for its 18,000 members, but also for their phenomenal, well-known pastor and author, Adam Hamilton.

I went with five other ladies from my church.  We all attended our own workshops and took notes to report back.  My workshops centered around church communications. Besides reading books and blogs about church communications, this was my first time to attend an education class specific to the church.

One day I was gulping my coffee the group had to leave me behind while they went into the sanctuary for morning worship. I realized I was the only person in the booth area, so I decided to go ahead an peruse while the crowd was inside.  I went to the United Methodist Communications booth, which usually was surround by people.  There the representative opened with, "I have a heart for communications in the United Methodist Church. How do you feel?"  We became fast friends and shared stories. 

I learned so much and enjoyed my time away so much.  I am so grateful for the experience.  I am also extremely grateful to Adam, who took care of the kids without me for three days, and our friend Ashley who picked them up from school every day.

Special thanks to Adam who even had to take care of a sick kid and clean up illness.

Here's a photo of me and my new friend Neeley.  I'm so happy that my eyes aren't even open!

Two "Aha!" moments this week

Twice this week I was upset with myself and figured out I was the problem.  I had an "aha!" moment twice.  Here's what hit me on the head this week:

1. The need for community, again.
One of my personal soapboxes, and something I've blogged about a few times, is what I believe is an intrinsic need for community.  I think everyone has this need.  What happens is that when a person separates themselves from a support network, they start looking inward.  Then they only see themselves and their problems become the only problems in the world and they magnify.  If one disconnects with society, small issues become great big ones.  I see this again and again in my world and see people reaching out less and less because they can write on one another's "wall" or text each other. 

The problem is that I can easily see this issue in others, but recently failed to see it in myself.  Because it's now summer, I'm less involved at church and socially.  I decided to take some time off various groups that I'm in.  But Wednesday night, I made myself go see a movie with some friends I hadn't hung out with in a while.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of love and friendship and had to remind myself that just because it's summer, I still need to be engaged.  It's humbling to hear about a friend's sick baby or ill grandparent and be reminded that I am not the only one in the world with problems.  I love it when I get bonked on the head and realize, it's not all about me.

2.  The need to advocate for myself
Yesterday I was in a hurry at Costco.  We were having company last night and I had to buy some last minute supplies.  When I got up to the register, one of the front end managers was leaning on the check-writing stand talking to the cashier's assistant/bagger/boxer/whatever you want to call him.  Instead of asking her to move, I politely and quietly waited while she finished her conversation and got out of the way.  Then I stepped up to the stand and wrote my check.  Once I was finished checking out, I realized that my items were not boxed and that the guy hadn't even asked me if I wanted boxes.  I was mad because I had a lot of items.  But then I was mad at myself because if I had spoken up at the beginning and called the manager to task, the helper would have been paying attention to me instead of her and I would have been happy with the end result.  So again I got bonked in the head and had an "aha" moment.

This week I will pay attention and advocate for myself.

Fighting

Seven years ago, I got into a fight with my parents. I'm not going to rehash it and place blame, but I will tell you that the fight continues today. This morning I was thinking about the last seven years and how my communication with my parents and later, sister, has evolved.
It was the day after Christmas and circumstances led my husband Adam and I to abruptly leave my parents house in Austin. Everyone involved was very upset.
On the way back to Fort Worth, Adam and I thought, talked, and prayed. I was sick to my stomach and was crying off and on. Several accusations had been made and we felt the best way to clear up any confusion and to state our side of the story was to put it in writing. Back then there wasn't a Facebook and we didn't rely on e-mail as much as we do today.
Rather than writing my parents a letter, Adam and I both decided e-mail would be the best avenue of communication. Speaking over the phone would be too emotional and we might be interrupted or distracted. With e-mail, my parents were sure to read what we had to say and think about it.
We wrote our e-letters at Adam's office so we could both see what the other was writing and edit and critique it. We spent a couple hours crafting our words to say exactly what we felt. We sent it, hoping for a resolution within 24 hours. It didn't happen.
Because in-person meetings wouldn't be possible, my parents and I had several phone calls back and forth. Cell phones were just getting more minutes, so I had several discussions with them over cell phone.
A resolution was again not forthcoming, so we took a break. Over the next few years when we saw each other, it was awkward but not angry. Occasionally we would send each other cards, but there wasn't a pattern to it. If we were on good terms, we'd send each other cards. Otherwise, holidays and birthdays went by ignored.
We all decided that communicating via e-mail was the most effective means. Or maybe Adam and I decided and everyone followed suit. Phone calls always ended in anger, but e-mail seemed safe and easy.
When I discovered I was pregnant with Claire, I did call them. I also called when I was in labor. Their visit to the hospital included more fighting, this time with my friends and in-laws, but thankfully Adam and I were completely oblivious to it. I was busy birthing a baby and Adam was busy telling me the score of the Mavs-Suns game.
After that, communication was between my sister and I only, and it was text messages only. There was an occasional phone call, but frankly, I don't generally like talking on the phone. I'm always in the middle of changing a diaper or cooking and have a hard time forming sentences while doing something else.
About that time, I started blogging via MySpace. Unfortunately, that ended in disaster. My sister and or my parents began reading my blogs and had my grandmother call me and ask if I was suffering from depression and in danger.
More e-mails and now text messages later, I was pregnant with Paul. Adam and I thought it would be cute to send everyone an e-mail picture of my pregnancy stick. This would be fast and we could communicate with all sides of the family at the same time. Some thought that was hilarious, but my family apparently took offense.
When Paul was born, I sent an e-mail to everyone in my family and everyone at church whose e-mail address I had. My father replied to everyone a long e-mail, making very public our problems.
Since Paul's birth, I have begun regular posts of stories and pictures on Facebook. Though it might not seem like it, I think hard before every post. I try to keep it all positive and not reveal any private information. When my parents joined, I thought becoming "friends" would be a good first step toward a healthy relationship. They could see pictures of their grandkids and get daily updates. My sister could keep up as well.
I wasn't prepared for several negative posts by my father and sister. I assumed cyberspace was neutral ground. However, once again, they made our problems very public by posting them on my page. I could delete them, but since they wanted to post them, I left them up. I have nothing to hide and will tell the whole story to anyone who wants to know.
So seven years after Adam and I ran out of my parents house, we have gone from fighting in person, to fighting over cell phone, to fighting over text message, to fighting over e-mail to fighting on Facebook. Each step seems to get more technical and more public.
Yesterday I deleted my parents from my "friends." I would have also deleted my sister, but she beat me to it. She also posted on her page that her sister was "being very hateful."
I think it's sad that the fight has lasted so long. I think it's sad that 0ld-fashioned face to face communication isn't an option. I think it's sad that my family has to rely on technology to communicate with each other. I also think it's sad that now people that have never met my parents, and conversely, people that have never met me, know about our private problems.
I don't know what the future will hold, but maybe someone will come up with a technology that heals relationships.