Finding it at home

Yesterday Paul and I were up early and snuck out of the house while everyone else was asleep. We went on a walk in search of an estate sale my friend Stacy alerted us to. I walked and sweated, pushing Paul in the stroller. It's even sweltering in the mornings now. I walked and I walked and I walked. I walked the entire street the sale was supposed to be on but couldn't find it. I don't need anything, but you never know what you'll find at an estate sale. I love buying things that make me laugh.

So I was hot and frustrated when we turned back home. Then I realized there was a garage sale on our street, just a few doors down. I walked there and found several funny magnets and flashcards and toys for Claire. Quite a good haul, I thought. And then I was thinking, isn't that the way life is? You do all that searching and working to find whatever it is you're looking for and it's always at home.

This happens to me often. Last fall I was going through a period of depression/transition to stay-at-home-momness and Adam told me I needed a new friend. I got online and joined the moms group at the local Baptist church. I strategically reached out to several people, trying to kindle the kind of friendship I was looking for and came back empty-handed. I went to several moms' group events and introduced myself to everyone in attendance. Nothing.

Then at my church one day I was talking to a casual friend. I knew her family lived near us, but we'd never gotten together. We made a date to do it, and the rest is history. We talk almost every day and often work out.

It's just so funny to me, and I think it's God. I will empower myself to search for whatever I want, whether it's an estate sale or a friend. I'll go out of my way, walk a long distance, introduce myself to strangers, make myself uncomfortable and then when I'm done, I find "it" right here at home.

My parents live far away and our relationship is full of problems, but I've found plenty of adopted moms here at my home church and neighborhood. I wanted Claire to make friends to socialize with and did some research on playgroups, but found the perfect playmates here, already around us. Even in high school, I had lofty ambitions to attend a far-away school, but found the perfect ones here, where I've lived all my life. I also dated several boys, long-distance and local and found the best one here. Adam and I had been friends for several years before either of us had any inkling we might work out as a couple. We both have lived in Tarrant County our entire lives.

I look back on my life thus far and can name countless instances when I was looking for something and found it right back where I came from. Whatever I need is always here at home. I just have to open my eyes to see it.

Peace and Home

Since last Thursday, I have left the house three times. Twice to the doctor and once to the pharmacy and library. This would drive many crazy, but not me. I love staying at home. I crave staying at home.

Everything is so calm and peaceful. We listen to music or just to each other's voices. I play with Claire and her new toys. We read books and cuddle. I clean house.

Since I quit work at the end of the school year, I haven't been home this much. I intended to, but just haven't been able to. Paul's illness grounded us and freed our schedule.

I focus so much on helping others and saving money by going to several stores that I've been missing out on what's happening at my house. It's funny because I want to teach them empathy and charity but have forgotten to teach them and myself how to relax.

I am so much happier when we stay home, so my New Year's resolution is to do more of that. I think if I do my grocery shopping on Sunday or bundle my errands into one day, we can stay home all the other days. I am learning that I need to schedule at home time. It's importance had been lost to me.

It's so amazing that instead of cabin fever, I'm feeling more like myself.