Gratitude and Raising the White Flag of Surrender

Want to know about the Protestant vs. Catholic Reformation in Europe? Not able to sleep? Haven't read the words "I would rather see a cow defecate" in a religious setting in a while?
I can fix all your problems with one swoop here!  Here's the link to my midterm, which includes a quote from a Protestant saying he would rather see a cow defecate than sit through another mass. I hoping to get at least a laugh for that inclusion.
I haven't been writing here because I've been attempting to tackle that beast.  Writing for seminary is different than other writing I've had to do, and I'm grateful for that. I'm always trying to improve my writing skills and so far, Brite Divinity School has asked me to stretch and stretch and I think I'm starting to grow.
I wanted to express my gratitude for everyone who helped me get through those crazy two weeks where I was reading and writing at every spare second I had. Adam has had an extremely tough work schedule for the last month so he's spent every spare second at the office. There were several days that I was trying to write my paper, work my two jobs, take care of my two kids, and I just wasn't doing anything very well.  I am humbled and thankful for everyone that helped me over the hump.  For those of you that sent me encouraging notes or hugged me and helped me regain my balance, I am so grateful. To my special friend that brought me dinner, thank you. To my friends who took the kids to the movies and dinner so I could write, thank you. To my kids who put up with a stretched-too-thin mother for two weeks, thanks for your patience. To my husband, thank you for understanding.
Besides all the new facts that are now crammed into my brain is a realization that I absolutely cannot pursue a Master of Divinity degree without support. When the time to write my final comes around, I will remember that and plan ahead.  I will recognize that trying to fit all that homework into the space between the time the children sleep and I am awake just isn't possible.  I will schedule uninterrupted work time by planning entertainment for the kids outside of the house with people that love them.  I will ask for help before I have to raise the white flag and admit defeat.
In some ways, I had an easier time writing this paper than the last one, so I am also hopeful that next semester I will be even more fluent in the ways to write for seminary.
Thank you to all my loved ones for your prayers and support.

Gravel, Gravity, and Grace

I'm always creating metaphors in my head and the one I've been processing lately is about gravel, gravity, and grace.

(dreamstime.com for free stock photo)

Everyone has stressors, or little pieces of life that irritate them. They're small things, almost like a piece of gravel under your foot. Usually I just step over these little irritants. Walking on gravel isn't exactly comfortable but when my stress levels are low, so is my gravel pile.

For the past month, though, for many reasons, my gravel pile has been growing. Pieces of gravel that would normally be stepped on or stepped over have been stacking up in a pile.  When I have a pile of irritants added up, then little pebbles hurt like big boulders. Small inconsiderations start looking like major insults and my spirit is wounded. Crises of my children like lost library books begin to take on adult proportions. My to do list starts to look like a military campaign.  When my rock pile is growing, I begin to lose perspective and sight of who and what is on the other side of my pile of issues. I forget that everyone has their own gravel pile and while I can't see around mine, it doesn't mean that my problems are bigger or my issues more pressing than those around me.  I get wrapped up in looking at my gravel pile and announcing it to anyone that crosses my path.  "Can you believe what I have to put up with? Have you seen this pile of irritants in my life? It's not fair!"

But then the last piece of gravel is placed on the pile and things begin toppling. All of the sudden I am falling off my self-righteous pile of gravel.  I am no longer looking down on others whom I perceive to  have fewer amount of struggles.  I am confused, in despair and free-falling. 

This week the piece of gravel that toppled my pile was our slab leak.  We had a water leak and we didn't know where it was. Claire's room was quickly turning into a swamp, our front yard was a puddle, and water was seeping out of the front of the house.  We didn't know who to call. Did this mean we would immediately have to repair our foundation problems? How would we pay for this? Who could we trust to charge us a fair price? When would we have time to devote to dealing with this?

Yesterday morning I called in to my school and told them I had to wait for a plumber.  After I took the kids to school, I ended up being stuck at home by myself and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.  Several times I stopped and intentionally listened to my breathing.  I prayed.  I journaled.  I caught up on urgent work.  I planned ahead.  I didn't talk to anyone but Adam and the plumber. 

And all my gravel fell to the ground and now I can see. I can see other people and their gravel piles. I can see that my irritants are gravel pebbles, not boulders. I can step over my own pebbles to go to someone else's rock pile and commiserate with them. 

For me, that is the story of God's grace. Just when we cannot take another rock on our pile, just when our pile is toppling and we are free-falling into a pit of despair and self-adsorption, we land on our feet and we can see clearly.  We can reach out to another and give them a hug.  We can go forward and leave those little gravel irritants behind.  We can move on.

Dancing

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.
I'm a terrible dancer. I have no sense of rhythm and can't remember any dance moves to save my life. In college, I took two semesters of dance classes, but I can't even remember the names of the courses, much less the dances I learned.
No matter. Right now in my life I'm dancing my heart out. I'm learning to left foot-right foot and not put my feet in one circle too long. I'm learning how thin I can stretch before I have to curl back inside of myself. I'm learning how much weight my stretched shoulders can carry and what has to fall off.
Though I don't have musical rhythm, some days I catch a glimpse of what it must be like. Some days I dance from school to work to school to homework to dinner to monitoring bedtime activities and still have enough energy to have a coherent conversation with Adam when he gets home from work. Some days I stand up tall because I know I danced that day. I was able to balance on the right foot while stretching with my left arm to stir the dinner pot. I was able to balance it all without falling over.
Other days I have to recoil. I have to force myself to sit and breathe and appreciate. I have to take a nap. I have to read a book for sheer pleasure. I have to stop the clock and refocus before I'm able to proceed. These moments of relaxation, renewal, and refreshment are just as important as the times I'm fully-engaged with life.
Life is so short.
Occasionally I dance on autopilot. Out of sheer exhaustion or overwhelm, I just keep moving and going through the motions until they make sense. The fabulous and fascinating part of just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make sense of it all is that some days it works!  The children will say something beautiful or share a concern and I will shout with joy because they have grasped the concept. Yesterday Paul cleaned his room on his own accord and I was as excited as the two times I met Anne Lamott!
On days of overwhelm, I remember the other people on the dance floor with me. I'm not dancing by myself and I have several loved ones I can lean on. This weekend I spent 12 hours on Saturday at a church event. It was important to be there, but then I woke up Sunday morning and realized Paul was out of pants because I didn't get to do the laundry. I later confessed to Adam that I was overwhelmed with my weekend duties and last night we spent a couple of hours and hung and folded every piece of laundry in the house. Engineer that he is, the folded laundry looks so much neater when he does it. Today I have empty laundry baskets and I am so grateful.
My life is dancing, and just when I catch my breath and sync with the rhythm, the song changes. I never get bored.

www.sxu.hu
(Don't I look fabulous here?)

Think Before You Joke

My sense humor is pretty corny. I insert dumb jokes into just about everything. I won't say they're funny, but for some reason, my brain is quick with making connections to cheese.
The last couple of years, I have noticed a shift in the way my comments are perceived. Often, in an attempt to lighten the mood, I end up meeting a wall of defensiveness.

I noticed this first in the school setting. I find that I have to build a relationship with a teacher before I can be silly with them. My sarcastic humor is met with excuses and reasons backing them up.
For example, one of the copy machines at my school is almost always broken. So when I need to make copies, I usually have to wait in line. To pass the time, I make comments like, "We need to pray over that machine and only speak in soft tones around it." This poor attempt at humor is met with excuses, "I haven't copied anything in days and I have most certainly not touched that machine."
Or, I try to pump a kid up making a big deal of a small accomplishment. "Teacher, can you believe what I saw today? I saw so and so behaving himself and walking correctly in the hallway!" This is met with "Yeah, he better walk right because I've been lecturing him all day and his granny was up here yesterday."
This happens to me again and again in the educational setting, but it's not limited to that.
Last night I called and ordered a pizza from the local chain. They said it would be ready in 10 minutes, which was amazingly fast in my book.  So I drove there and saw that one man was on the phone taking orders and my pizza waited patiently to be boxed and handed over.  This was less than 10 minutes from when I made the phone call, so I was amazed at the speed of things.
The employee on the phone pulled the phone away from his ear and yelled to another employee in the back. The new guy immediately responded and came to the counter to help me.
I said, with a smile on my face, "I can't believe I had to wait so long. That pizza has been sitting there for a whole 30 seconds!"
He just stares incredulously at me.
"Ma'am, I've been in the back training a new employee. I'm sorry you had to wait."

www.sxu.hu

"Ummm, I was just kidding. You guys are amazingly fast."

After these uncomfortable situations pass, I usually remember there are reasons that someone didn't think my humor was funny.

• Maybe it really wasn't funny.
• Maybe I'm the only one in the room not stressed out to my utter limit.
• Maybe I'm not seeing the whole picture and this person is just trying to put one foot in front of the other and survive. Maybe they are using all their energy to carry their load and I'm distracting them.

Once I got in the car with my pizza, I remembered the pizza store has been robbed several times since I've lived in this neighborhood. That's not laughing matter. If I was constantly afraid of being robbed or attacked, I wouldn't want to laugh at stupid jokes either.

And with teachers, I usually end up finding out that a parent had verbally attacked the teacher that week and pinned their child's failures and misbehavior on the teacher.  When I went on a field trip with the kid's school this week, one teacher confided that a parent had been to school the previous week and cursed out every one in the office and all the other grade level teachers except her. She said she was immune that time because the parent wanted to attend the party in her class.

I'm going to try to make a shift. Since no one is laughing at my jokes anyway, I'm going to try to stop telling them. Instead, I'm going to try to stop filling awkward silences. If I just have to say something, instead of a joke, I'm going to try to insert a kind word.

Everyone seems to be overworked and overwhelmed. Maybe a kind word recognizing that will help more than a cheesy joke.

THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN GOD’S GRACE AND HUMAN FAITH, ACCORDING TO MARTIN LUTHER’S TREATISE ON CHRISTIAN LIBERTY

So here it is.  This is my first theological paper.  I recently posted on FB that this was the best paper ever written about Martin Luther...by me.  Several people misunderstood and thought I was claiming to have written the best paper ever.  No, this is just the best one on Martin Luther that I've ever written.  You could also argue it's the worst, because it's my only. You can tell how difficult it was just from the laughable title, which doesn't even appear to be in English.  It is, and I hope the paper will turn out okay as well.  I, in my academic enthusiasm found this quite exciting. I also understand that many people will not.  

That is why I am attending seminary!

Enjoy!

--Sarah

The relationship between God’s grace and Human Faith,

according to Martin Luther’s Treatise on Christian Liberty

Although the Paul might have been the first to pen the idea of salvation by faith and not works, he wasn't the last. "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God--not the result of works, so that no one may boast." Paul wrote these words in Ephes. 2:8-9 NRSV and there has been no end to public discourse and debate about them. We are saved by grace through faith and not by works. Paul believed it, Martin Luther believed it, and thus began a great fissure within the Church, eventually resulting in the establishment of Protestantism. Christians and churches still wrestle with the concept, even into the 21st century. This paper attempts to explore the issue of salvation by grace in light of Martin Luther and other Christians throughout history.

In 1520 Martin Luther makes his points about salvation and grace in Concerning Christian Liberty, a treatise that is prefaced with a letter to Pope Leo X. In the letter to the pope, Luther compliments the pontiff but criticizes the church openly. “I have said nothing of you but what was honourable and good”[1] is followed a few paragraphs later with condemnation of corruption in the church. “The Church of Rome, formerly the most holy of all Churches, has become the most lawless den of thieves, the most shameless of all brothels, the very kingdom of sin, death, and hell; so that not even antichrist, if he were to come, could devise any addition to its wickedness.”[2] Luther provides specifics about what he despises in the people and practices of the church. Insincere flatterers, those who use power unjustly, those who use the name of the pope to wield such power, and enemies of peace, all make his list. He then offers the following treatise to the pope as a sign of his good will and desire for peace. “It is a small matter, if you look to its exterior, but, unless I mistake, it is the summary of the Christian life put together in a small compass, if you apprehend its meaning.”[3] This portion is critical to Luther’s entire treatise. In this letter he attempts to establish his respect for the Pope and allay any fears the Pope has about Luther’s loyalty. Luther claims not to be a threat to the church. He still has hope that a quick cleanup job will solve all the church’s problems. In this he is naïve and hopeful. He again and again praises the Pope so the entire treatise will actually be read and possibly both inform and spur the Pope to action. Luther wants church leaders to respect their members instead of bullying them into giving more money. Specifically he is upset at the selling of indulgences, and church leaders espousing they can grant forgiveness for a price.

Luther starts out his second portion of the treatise with a discussion of the Christian faith and its dual nature as both simple and complex. “A Christian man is the most free lord of all, and subject to none; a Christian man is the most dutiful servant of all, and subject to every one.”[4] He references 1 Cor. 9:19 and Rom. 13:8 as scriptural explanations. A person is a dichotomy of spirit and physical body. The inward person references the spirit realm and the outward person references the physical realm. Once established, if this is believed, then it follows that no one can liberate or influence a soul. Luther writes, “One thing, and one alone, is necessary for life, justification, and Christian liberty; and that is the most holy word of God, the Gospel of Christ.”[5] The soul’s very survival depends on the word of God, Luther explains. Nothing else comes close to satisfying the desire of the heart. Though he doesn’t call it by name here, Sola scriptura is the principle that scripture is the sole source of authority for the Christian and the church. “The Bible is therefore to be read in order to find Christ, using reason and prayer for the Holy Spirit’s guidance. In this sense the Bible will be its own interpreter and direct the church (not vice versa).”[6] Lay persons don’t need a priest to interpret the scripture for them, because with reason and prayer, anyone can understand God’s word.

Luther writes that faith allows the soul to receive God’s word. The soul is made righteous and justified by this faith. “For the word of God cannot be received and honoured by any works, but by faith alone. Hence it is clear that as the soul needs the word alone for life and justification, so it is justified by faith alone, and not by any works. For if it could be justified by any other means, it would have no need of the word, nor consequently of faith.”[7] Faith allows the believer access to God’s word. Faith is the starting point of the Christian life. Luther argues that without faith, every good action and every scripture reading is invalid and meaningless.

I believe that before faith, there is grace. My personal theology is firmly rooted in the Methodist tradition. We believe that faith is a response to grace. We believe in prevenient grace. This is the grace that comes before. “Prevenient grace is God’s grace anticipating any movement by man towards God.” [8] This is where God claims us as children of God before we can even claim that name for ourselves. At birth, God puts us on the path of faith. It’s up to us to recognize it and claim the faith for ourselves, but he is always there to lead us and love us. That is my understanding of grace.

Faith belongs to the inward spirit of the Christian, and therefore is not justified, made free, or saved by outward physical activities, Luther explains. “Therefore the first care of every Christian ought to be to lay aside all reliance on works, and strengthen his faith alone more and more, and by it grow in the knowledge, not of works, but of Christ Jesus.”[9] Faith is the key that unlocks success to fulfilling the scriptural laws as well as guides the believer in a correct outward Christian life. With faith the Christian has a bridge between one’s inward nature and one’s outward works. “For what is impossible for you by all the works of the law, which are many and yet useless, you shall fulfill in an easy and summary way through faith, because God the Father has made everything to depend on faith.”[10] The treatise lists three virtues of faith. The possession of faith means the Christian has no need for law or justification works. That doesn’t mean the Christian doesn’t perform good works or follow the law, but that one’s salvation is due to grace and not directly connected to outward actions. By nature, a faithful Christian is obedient. With faith, one automatically has a reputation of truth and righteousness. With lack of faith, one is full of self-idolatry and empty works. Through faith the soul is united to Christ. Christ and the soul become one flesh. The human soul is full of sin, but by grace through faith, the soul is united to Christ, who takes on the sin and makes the human righteous. “Christ is full of grace, life, and salvation; the soul is full of sin, death, and condemnation. Let faith step in, and then sin, death, and hell will belong to Christ, and grace, life, and salvation to the soul.”[11] This is Luther’s understanding of Grace. He believed the human was by nature wicked and only became righteous through relationship with Christ Jesus. Grace cannot be earned, bought, or bargained for because salvation is simply and solely reliant upon faith. Once faith is established, the Christian begins to desire to perform acts of goodness and justice, acting out of relationship with Christ. Faith always comes first, or all Christian acts are fraudulent. With faith, all believers are acting as priests on behalf of Jesus. The church had skewed this information, according to Luther, and separated the clergy from lay people as if one were more holy than the other. “Through this perversion of things it has happened that the knowledge of Christian grace, of faith, of liberty, and altogether of Christ, has utterly perished, and has been succeeded by an intolerable bondage to human works and laws.”[12] Those who preach should aim simply at increasing faith in Christ, according to Luther. “…it is not sufficient, nor a Christian course, to preach the works, life, and words of Christ in a historic manner.”[13]

I believe that we still struggle with this cart-before-the-horse, works-before-faith issue today. In my faith community, good works are easy for us. We bring a can of tuna for the food drive. We bring our pocket change for the coin collection. We attend worship and Sunday school, but we often do a terrible job of nurturing our souls. My church has a culture of giving good works and seeking quick spiritual nourishment. When asked to read a book or complete a Bible study for the week, many scoff at that or make a good face and then pitch the materials at the back of their car, forgetting about them until the next Sunday. Intentional faith development is an integral part of my life. I am always reading a book to grow deeper in my faith or journaling and praying my way through a problem. My small group holds me accountable to this. To me, working on my faith has richer, more long-term rewards than works such as bringing a can of tuna to the food drive. My faith calls me out into the world to do good works, but it is faith that comes first.

In the conclusion of the treatise, Martin Luther explains why good works are commanded. He believed a Christian must keep his spirit stronger than his body so the spirit may rule the body. Performing good works brings the body under the spirit’s rule and brings joy. “For the inner man, being conformed to God and created after the image of God through faith, rejoices and delights itself in Christ, in whom such blessings have been conferred on it, and hence has only this task before it: to serve God with joy and for nought in free love.”[14]

Luther urges Christians to be clear in their understanding that they will not be justified by the works, but that good works are for one purpose, “that the body may be brought into subjection, and be purified from its evil lusts, so that our eyes may be turned only to purging away those lusts.”[15]

To clarify, Martin Luther believed that man had two natures, a spiritual nature and a physical nature. The spiritual nature should govern over everything the physical body did. All commandments and rules and man-made church doctrines only come into play once a Christian has faith. One should focus simply on faith and deepening and strengthening one’s faith. Once faith is firmly established in the spirit, Luther believed that the physical body would bow to spiritual rule. According to Luther, because of faith, a Christian will make the best moral decisions and perform good works. These actions will further deepen faith, but without faith, these actions are empty, meaningless, and self-serving. What is fascinating to me about this idea is that we are still struggling with it in the 21^st century. In 2006, the World Methodist Council approved a Statement of Association with the Joint Declaration Doctrine of Justification. This was in response to the "Official Common Statement by the Lutheran World Federation and the Roman Catholic Church," agreed upon in 1999. That ecumenical agreement stated that both of the churches back Martin Luther’s beliefs on faith and grace. With the Catholics and Lutheran’s 1999 agreement, it still took the Methodists until 2006 to get on board. Five hundred years after Luther wrote this treatise, the church finally publically agreed with it. Of course, Paul wrote Ephesians in the first century C.E. and it took Martin Luther and 1400 years to bring the issue to the public and common man. One could say the modern church is working a bit faster on declaring common doctrine. The Methodist statement affirms this statement from the Lutheran-Catholic agreement which states, “Together we confess: By grace alone, in faith in Christ’s saving work and not because of any merit on our part, we are accepted by God and receive the Holy Spirit, who renews our hearts while equipping and calling us to good works.”[16]

The strength of Martin Luther’s statement is freedom. Christians are free from competing against one another in measuring their work for God. One cannot be holier than another because faith in Christ puts us all on an equal playing field. We all sin, we all seek repentance, we all work for the powers of good. When denominationalism, church hierarchies, and social standings are stripped away, we all have faith in common. The rest is just details. Faith is the core and faith should be the driver for all our actions. The downside of this belief is that some could use the argument that their works don’t matter and they can sin with abandon. In 1600s colonial America, Anne Hutchinson struggled with this debate. She led small group discussions in her home to review her pastor, John Cotton’s sermons. “This was seen initially as expected and praiseworthy behavior, but independent theological thinking was soon suspected in the women’s circle.” [17] Anne Hutchinson was accused of antinomianism, the belief that salvation in Jesus Christ superseded the need to obey more terrestrial laws. “She claimed a fundamental belief in the Holy Spirit, who would guide a person’s faith and action. This view eliminated the need for magistrates and clergy men and was judged to be extremely subversive.”
Eventually Anne and her family were excommunicated and forced to move to Rhode Island.

The faith vs. good works debate has been alive in the church since its inception. Paul wrote about it his New Testament letter to the Ephesians and the debate has continued through the centuries. In 1520 Martin Luther called the church into account to align itself with his doctrine that faith comes before works and that Christians are saved by grace. He didn’t appear to believe it was controversial, he thought he was just re-stating and clarifying what was in the scriptures. He wrote, “For as works do not make a believing man, so neither do they make a justified man; but faith, as it makes a man a believer and justified, so also it makes his works good.”[18] Once faith is established, good works will follow in natural order. Unfortunately I won’t be around in 400 years to see how the debate will continue.

 

 

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Luther, Martin. "Concerning Christian Liberty." Project Wittenberg. 1520.

http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/wittenberg/luther/web/cclib-2.html (accessed February 3, 2014).

Malone, Mary T. Women and Christianity. New York: Orbis Books, 2003.

Richardson, Alan and Bowden, John, editors. The Westminster Dictionary of Christian Theology.

 Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1983.

Vatican. "Joint Declaration on the Doctrine of Justification by the Lutheran World Federation

and the Catholic Church." Vatican: The Holy See. 1999.

http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/chrstuni/documents/rc_pc_chrstuni_doc_31101999_cath-luth-joint-declaration_en.html (accessed February 5, 2014).

---

[1] Martin Luther, Concerning Christian Liberty, 1520. http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/wittenberg/luther/web/cclib-2.html (accessed Feb. 3, 2014.)

[2] (Luther 1520)

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Ibid.

[6] (Richardson, Alan and Bowden, John, editors 1983)

[7] (Luther 1520)

[8] (Richardson, Alan and Bowden, John, editors 1983)

[9] (Luther 1520)

[10] Ibid.

[11] Ibid.

[12] (Luther 1520)

[13] Ibid.

[14] (Luther 1520)

[15] Ibid.

[16] Vatican. "Joint Declaration on the Doctrine of Justification by the Lutheran World Federation and the Catholic Church." Vatican: The Holy See. 1999. http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/chrstuni/documents/rc_pc_chrstuni_doc_31101999_cath-luth-joint-declaration_en.html (accessed February 5, 2014).

[17] Malone, Mary T. Women and Christianity. New York: Orbis Books, 2003.

[18] (Luther 1520)

Seminary, Work, and Being a Present Parent this week

Just so I don't forget it and so I make sure all my readers share in the hilarity...

On the first day of class I was printing off all my class materials for that night.  I mentioned to Adam that I would be discussing Martin Luther. He says, "How many theses was it that he nailed to the church door? I can't remember." Claire immediately said, "Who put their feces on a church door? Why would they do that?"

And thus was my first seminary theological discussion.  Feces vs. Theses.  

----------

I wanted to share about my day yesterday because it is becoming typical of my days now.  I am so glad that I did research on time management last semester, because all my new knowledge is being put to use!

Yesterday

4:30 a.m. Jump out of bed, turn on coffee, start the computer, work on my paper on Martin Luther and  his understanding of grace.

6:30 a.m. Just finished printing the rough draft of my paper. Make sure everyone's out of bed, start making lunches.

7:45 a.m. Get kids to the school, race home.

8:30 a.m. Send rough draft of worship bulletin announcements to all who need to edit it, race out the door to my school.

9:00 a.m. to 1:55 p.m. I tutor in groups of 5-6, about 40 kids. One child got sent back to class for standing in his chair. One child got sent back to class for punching the assignment/table. The rest act precious and love reading with me. Each child anticipates the end of group when they get a cool sticker (My Little Pony or Transformers, their choice. Yesterday one boy chose a My Little Pony, but all the girls opted not to receive a Transformers sticker.)

1:55 p.m. I RUN, RUN, RUN to my car so I can make it to TCU in time for my writing appointment.

2:10 p.m. I arrive on the TCU campus and remember I'm not the only person that attends this school and I must park four blocks away from my destination.

2:20 p.m. After running as fast as I can and speedwalking when I am weary, I arrive five minutes late to my appointment. I tell my tutor that I will be a size six by the end of the day.  She reviews my paper on Martin Luther and gives me some valuable tips on how to improve. She kindly asks me to point out my thesis statement and I realize it stayed in my head and didn't make it to the page.

2:50 p.m. More running. It must be a typical class change period, because there are TCU students everywhere, all looking skinny and beautiful.  I don't care. I have to get my precious children from school. I plow them over with my giant backpack and giant coat flapping in the wind.

2:58 p.m. Arrived in car, called the school to tell them I would be late.  Driving as carefully and as quickly as I can, I realize there are two policemen going the same way I am.  I don't speed, but in my head I'm driving the Indy 500.

3:10 p.m. Arrived late to get the kids. Have phoned a friend to tell her we would be late for play date.  The kids aren't mad; they are laughing at my description of how I was running across the TCU campus to come get them.

3:30 p.m. Have baked some cookie dough for snacks for guests. Claire has laid out a spread of healthy snacks. Scrubbed bathroom for freshness, picked up terrible messes that we don't want anyone to see. Accepted that laundry will be seen and that's okay.  Doorbell rings.

4:00 p.m. Claire has shut herself in her room with her friend and Paul and his friend are in the hallway frustrated at the secrecy of girls. Paul steps on a clothespin and pinches his foot.  He screams unceasingly for 30 minutes. I worry that something is broken because he is never upset like that.

4:20 p.m. I call Adam to tell him Paul is possible injured badly although I can't see where. I hang up with him and call the doctor's office. I leave a message with the on-call nurse.  I try to ice Paul's foot. I put a bandaid on it. I distract him while I put a sock on it.  I pretend the dog is a doctor inspecting him. I sing cheesy songs. I offer to take him to the vet. None of this stops his crying.

5:00 p.m. The on call nurse phones us. I tell her what happened and during the conversation I realize Paul is running on two feet all throughout the house.  He has been healed! 

5:10 p.m. Company leaves and I remember Adam won't be home for dinner.  I won't be cooking then. We'll get drive through food after bath time.  I put Paul in the tub and Claire begins a two-year old meltdown.  She is seven.  I shut her in her room and make an important phone call.

5:30 p.m. Claire's drama has subsided. Paul is out of tub.  Claire gets in tub.  I talk with Paul and snuggle him for a few minutes.

6:00 p.m. Both kids are clean and dressed for bed. I snuggle Claire for a few minutes. I let them pick where they want dinner.  They pick McDonald's. (Yuck!) I take them there anyway. I try to find the healthiest option for my dinner and settle on Popeye's chicken, which isn't healthy at all, but at least it's not McDonald's.

6:45 p.m. Start reading bedtime stories.  Doze off a couple of times, but successfully read about Bad Kitty and Claire's book, which I can't even remember this morning.

7:45 p.m. Kids in bed. Time to clean up the kitchen from the maddening day. Pick up as many messes as I have energy for.  Pour myself a glass of wine.

8:50 p.m. Move to the bedroom with my same glass of wine to read.  Adam is still at his engineering event.  I read and try to stay awake as long as I can.

9:15 p.m. I believe I was snoring at this point and Adam arrived home.  We'll get to talk in the morning.

And today I start the cycle over, but instead of tutoring I have church work and instead of an appointment at the Writing Center I have class.  Hopefully today won't contain a mortal injury from a clothespin.

Reaching for the Stars

Just one year ago I came to the understanding the seminary was in my future. I hadn't planned on acting on this understanding for ten years, but life often moves faster than my plans.

Now I am a graduate student, working toward a Master of Divinity at Brite Divinity School.  On Monday I entered the process to become a candidate for ministry in the United Methodist Church. The Earth is spinning and I am propelled forward toward reaching a goal.

My world has a newness that both disorientates and excites me. I feel like a ballerina balanced on one toe, stretched as far and as high as I can to reach a dream.

I could topple easily. I hold so much as I reach for that next star. Two children, two jobs, a husband, and now homework. It appears that a strong breeze would knock me over into despair. But I know that won't happen because while I am balancing on one toe, while I am stretched to my entire limit to reach for that star, I am held up by loved ones.

Almost daily, a friend or acquaintance congratulates me on my new goal. My children proudly explain to teachers about Mama going to TCU. Family members that I don't see often offer their support. Friends who've known me for 20 years are cheering for me. Loved ones pray for me daily.

I am continuously humbled and grateful. I'm honored as I purchase a parking pass for a major university. I'm giddy as I purchase my four textbooks. I'm grateful as I pay my tuition bill in full thanks to baking 40+ loaves of banana bread and donations of loved ones. I'm humbled as I pull onto campus early for an appointment, thinking I have so much free time and then realize I must walk four blocks to my destination. I'm relieved as my professor confesses he usually goes to bed at 9 p.m. and works hard toward an energetic presence in this night class.

Grasping the star of my dream will take a long time, but I am confident that the universe has recognized I belong here. Even if I get weary, I won't fall because I'm held up by so many strong hands. I'm anxious to see how much growth and depth will occur as I stretch just a little bit further to reach my goals.

www.sxu.hu

Day One of the Rest of My Life

Yesterday was my first day of orientation at Brite Divinity School.  I have enrolled in the Master of Divinity program.
My enthusiasm for entering this phase in my life is a little bit intimidating to those who don't know me,

so I try to keep half of it to myself and share the other half. I'm also about to Google synonyms for the word excited so I can stop saying, "I'm excited!"

My entry into seminary has been a community effort. Friends encouraged me to explore the idea. Friends helped me with my application by writing letters and proofing my essays. Friends bought banana bread from me to help me pay for my tuition. Friends contributed privately to help.
So when I am standing at Brite Divinity School, it's not just me standing there. I'm being pushed forward and lifted up by loved ones. I know I'm in exactly the right place and I know I'm not alone.
When I met with my adviser, he informed me that the class I wanted had only one opening left. "Go, Sarah!" he told me as he waved me out of his office.
When I got to the computer I needed to register on, another community was quickly formed to help me register. I had left my password at home, I had never used the system before, and I had no less than five people helping me. One helped me reset my password. One helped me find the course number and navigate through the screens. One helped me with my student ID number, also left at home. Others looked on and offered tips. After all that, I was too late. The opening in the class was filled.
Back to my adviser, I selected a new course. The team rallied again to register me and then we realized I didn't have the prerequisites to take that course.  We recruited another team member to find another course for me.
Finally, we enrolled me in History of Christianity II, Reformation and Modern.  It meets on Thursday nights at 6:45 p.m. The professor is a published author. This is the perfect class for me and it fits into my schedule without turning the world upside down.
I'm only taking one class this semester so I can get my feet wet and not turn the world completely upside down. I want to ease back into scholarship and learn how it fits in my schedule.
I wanted to provide an update for all of you who have supported me thus far. Thank you. I am humbled and grateful beyond words. You helped me pay for my books and tuition for my first semester of seminary. Thank you.
More than financial aid, though, I would like to thank you for the encouragement and support as I enter this new phase of my life. When I feel overwhelmed, all I have to do is picture the faces of everyone who has gotten me here and I am renewed and encouraged to go forward. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Not Sharing My Toys

I have recently realized that shouldering my children with my toys as well as theirs devalues all of them.
Growing up, I had plenty of toys. I don't think I had too many, but some might argue that. They all fit neatly in my room and closet. I played with them all. Many were so special that I saved them. I boxed them and put them in the attic. As a child, I wanted my future children to be able to play with my special toys. After Adam and I were married, we reclaimed all my childhood treasures from my parents' attic and they sat on bookshelves or remained in boxes in our attic.
Now we have children. The imaginary daughter I saved all my Barbies for is real.  The imaginary son that would love a teddy bear in camouflage is asleep in his bed right now.

Some of my Cabbage Patch Dolls

I saved my treasured childhood possessions, assuming they would be treasured childhood possessions of the next generation. What I didn't foresee was the sheer volume of possessions this generation has.
Adam and I buy the kids toys at Christmas and at birthdays. On vacation, we get them a souvenir or two. Otherwise, we pay for their needs, and they use their allowance for toys. Of course there is also an influx from Grandma, but really not too much.
However, when you add up the toys from Christmas, birthdays, Grandma, and allowance spending, you have quite a multitude of toys. Add to that my treasured dolls, bears, and books and games and it's just too much.
After Christmas, we cleaned out Claire's room.  We removed everything from her room except for her bed.  All books, all toys, and all clothes were sorted into piles of garage sale, Goodwill, and keep.  We threw away trash and immediately had three full bags of paper and toy parts.  As we weighed the value of each object, I realized that because she has so many objects, they all have the same value.  It's like she can't see the trees for the forest.  I also realized that as sweet as she is, she pretended that all my old toys were special to her. They are, but all the toys are special and mine are no different.  She was drowning in toys and I was adding to the mix instead of helping her value each item.  I realized that shouldering her with the responsibility of valuing and caring for my toys was selfish in a way.  Assuming my five Cabbage Patch kids would be prized possessions also assumed she wouldn't have anything special of her own or her own scale to weigh value.
Both Adam and I come from resourceful families.  His mother and I trade coupons regularly.  My grandmother is famous for finding uses for everything, even restaurant napkins. Adam and I inherited a bit of that ourselves and have passed it on to our children. Boxes from Costco become cars, pirate ships, or dog houses. Scrap paper becomes signs, scripts, books, and spyglasses.
Resourcefulness plus toys they received plus toys I saved is just too much.  We spent hours sorting through everything, from a tiny Barbie shoe to a giant 60" teddy bear.  I reclaimed all my old toys to free Claire up to take care of her toys and not have to worry about mine.
Then I realized that giving Claire my things was the same thing others have done to me and that I have done to myself. Elderly friends have given me plates and books. I treasure them all because they are daily reminders of loved ones.  When my grandfather moved to an assisted living facility, I helped clean out his house and brought home trunk-loads of dishes, books, clothes, and other housewares I didn't even know existed. It's as if I believed my love for them could be conveyed through keeping their possessions.  I kept all my grandmother's unfinished crafts. I don't know how to quilt, but I have parts for at least three quilts.
Understanding Claire's position helped me understand my own more. It also helped me let go of even more things. So now I'm sifting and valuing my possessions, both those that originated with me and those that represent lost loved ones.  I'm trying to sift through the forest to find the truly valuable trees.

Goodbye, Papa Charles!

Last night Fort Worth lost a great man.  Charles Perry passed away.  He was a veteran, a teacher, a coin collector, a husband, a father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and a man of faith to the end.
My family first met Papa Charles at church, but it was outside of the church walls that he and his wife Mama Joy have made the most difference in our lives.
Recounting memories of him last night, we decided that Adam first got to know Papa Charles through his involvement in the United Methodist Men. I first met him and Mama Joy through my involvement with the Emmaus community at our church.
Papa Charles always had a good story to tell. I would try to tell him a cute story about my life and he would follow that with a story of history behind my story. I would tell him something like, "We got a new oven at home so I'll be cooking more.  Hahaha." Then he would look at me, take a breath and say, "You know the reason the oven is designed that way? It's because hundreds of years ago........"  I wish I had written down some of the  histories he shared with me, but I was usually caught off guard and wasn't expecting him to provide so much meaning in each exchange.  He had a talent for infusing meaning in everything he did.
Paul and Claire both have loved Papa Charles since birth.  When Paul was born, Papa Charles and Mama Joy began "visiting" the children regularly.  I would often slip up and call them babysitters but then they would correct me.  Papa Charles would say, "Now you know we don't babysit. We visit with children."  I have photos of Papa Charles and Paul as an infant, both taking a nap on our couch.  Adam and I both laughed as we shared with others that the kids were at home "with a young couple named Mama Joy and Papa Charles."
About the same time Paul was born, Adam rediscovered his love of coin collecting. He regularly takes Paul and Claire to coin shows and nearly always met Papa Charles there. Papa Charles would share with the kids history of coins.
It was cancer that took his life in the end, and Papa Charles gracefully entered into his role as a hospice patient. Just before Thanksgiving I took the children to visit him.  We sat with him while Mama Joy escaped to the grocery store.  While the kids acted crazy, he shared with us the names of birds outside and points of local history.  He also recommended I get my kids into chess because it focuses smart kids.  It was a profound moment for me when faced with death, he kept on teaching those around him.
Over the Thanksgiving holiday, he had to be hospitalized briefly and from his hospital bed, he told Mama Joy to get out some of his wooden puzzles.  She shared the story with me.  "Why do you want puzzles out, Dad?" she asked him.  He replied, "Because we're going to have children at our house visiting and I want them to have something to play with."
The next time we saw him was a couple of days before Christmas when we came to sing Christmas carols.  After the singing was over, we stayed and visited.  I eventually had to pry the children away from Papa Charles' puzzles so we could go home. He was so smart and selfless, making sure my kids had entertainment while he entered his last days.
Upon receiving the news of his death last night, Paul wanted to run over for "one last hug."  We all loved Papa Charles and will miss him greatly.

Papa Charles and Mama Joy waving goodbye to me from their front porch.

2013: A retrospective

2013 was a big year at our house. We all learned, matured, and grew either physically or emotionally.  Here are a few highlights:

Paul entered Kindergarten and Claire entered second grade. We were pleased to learn that Claire's teacher knew her and loved her before she even entered the second grade classroom. Claire loves reading and covers just about as many books as Sarah.  She is also excited about learning to multiply.  She is matter of fact and solid in her opinions and knowledge. She also is perceptive and often makes Sarah pause with her insights.

Paul loves his kindergarten teacher and mostly likes going to school. If you ask him, it's a gamble whether he will answer in the positive or the negative. He definitely would rather be home with Mama, but he is slowly adjusting to the fact he'll be at school every day.  He does have many friends and several girls try to hug him each day when he leaves the building.  He wasn't in any sports this year, but he is by far the most athletic in the family and constantly inventing new sports and climbing walls (literally).

Adam discovered Mark Twain in 2013. He's been working through the biographies, which are at least 1,000 pages each, but taking a break to read short stories. He also found a new love of sharing literature with the children and read them both Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer this year.  They've started working on Treasure Island.

Sarah compiled some of her blog entries into book fashion.  This was a huge step for me for several reasons.
1. I completed a childhood goal by writing a book.
2. I found out that some of my writing is actually worth paying for.
3. I learned how to make an epub.
4. I can google myself and find myself on amazon now!

My book is only available in electronic format. It's my first one and it's a trial run/learning process.  I would be honored if you read, it, though!  If you have a Kindle, you can download it directly to your Kindle device.  If you have an Ipad or other Apple device, you must first download the Kindle App and then go to amazon and get it.  If you have a Nook, like me, I'm sorry, it just won't work.

Here's the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Goofiness-Grace-Sarah-Boyette-ebook/dp/B00HBQUFL0/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t

At the beginning of 2013 I came up with the idea that going to seminary would be a good idea for me. I could learn more about faith, the Bible, and people and become a theological writer. I planned to get started in 2023. At the end of 2013 I am reading several theological tomes to prepare for orientation. I'll be attending seminary next semester!

If you ask me how I will balance everything, or what my plan is, the answer is that I don't know. I work two jobs, have two kids, two dogs, and a husband. But, just a year ago I hadn't even considered going back to school and I'm just stepping forward on faith.  It's pretty crazy that I don't know how long this will take or where I will end up, but life is short and you have to take chances where you can.

2013 has been so full of surprises that we can't wait for 2014 to begin!

Writing a Book

One of my lifelong dreams has been to become an author. I've written in various forms and forums my entire life. So I am ecstatic to announce that I have a published work!

(Click on the book cover to go to my amazon.com listing.)

You can click the link above, or search for my name on amazon.com. If you have a Kindle, the book will be delivered instantly once you order it.  If you have an Apple device, you need to first download the free Kindle App and then go online and buy it.

The book is $1.99 and every cent raised goes directly to fund my seminary education. So by purchasing my book, you are helping me achieve two dreams at one time!

I know this isn't going to win the National Book Award, but everyone starts somewhere, and this is my starting place.

Initially I thought I'd use this as an exercise in writing as well as graphic design, but that didn't work out. I spent hours laying out my book in InDesign and learning how to use that program. I thought I had it press ready, but then due to amazon.com specifications, I ended up having to redo the whole thing in Microsoft Word. So for any of you that think you might want to create an epub, just create it in MS Word and save yourself a lot of time.

Thank you for helping me achieve my dreams!