First Week of School Thanks

Yesterday the family wrapped up the first week of school. Claire is now officially a fourth grader, Paul is a second grader, and I am back at Brite Divinity School working on my Master of Divinity degree. Adam is still Adam with his awesome engineering skills.

Here's a few pieces of grattitude from this week:
1. Ease of transition
We bought all our textbooks, school supplies and uniforms weeks ago. Switching from summer mode to school mode happened with no drama and no hardships. We were in summer and now we are in school and it went seamlessly. I am so grateful that we made the transition so smoothly.

In case you missed it, here's my first day of school picture.

2. Summer memories
This summer was possibly the best summer of my life. We had a wonderful, beautiful vacation to California that included an extensive road trip. We swam in the pool. We reconnected with friends. We relaxed. I read two to three books a week that had nothing to do with theology. I took my kids to work with me and the church and the kids were fine.

3. Wesley Eugene
A couple of weeks ago, our vet told us to prepare for the impending death of our Yorkshire Terrier, Wesley Eugene. He was very ill and if he didn't make a dramatic turnaround, we would need to put him to sleep. Adam and I had a hard conversation and I had many tears. Wesley is 13. He was our first answer to baby fever and he's been with us for almost all of our marriage. We made the decision to call the vet the next day and make an appointment to let him go. That same night, he decided to let us know he wasn't done living. He ate everything I put in front of him. Since then, he has steadily been getting back to his old self. The other night he woke me up barking at a helicopter flying. While I wasn't happy to be awake at 1 a.m., I was happy that he was feeling well enough to defend our territory against the threats of flying machines. He's a good dog and I am grateful for his life, however long that will be.

4. Banana bread
I'm not done delivering it yet, but I was able to make another tuition payment with banana bread funds. Thank you to all who eat and support my call to ministry! It looks like I will be debt free for another semester! (Those of you who haven't received your bread yet, it's coming. I promise.)

5. Good conversations
During summer, I am simply starved for adult conversation. I am so grateful that Adam and our budget allow me to only work one part-time job in the summer. I love being around my children and listening to the desires of their hearts and experiencing the world through  their eyes. However, by the end of summer, I am simply starved for adult interaction and want to talk about anything other than PBS shows or Magic Treehouse books. I have been so grateful this week to be around people with which I simply fall into good conversation.

6. New classes
This semester I am taking Theology I and Methodist History and Doctrine. Several people have said to me, "That sounds exciting." I always respond with, "It is SO exciting! I can't wait!" It took about five of these exchanges for me to realize that my friends were being sarcastic and not everyone is as enthusiastic as I am about learning in seminary. That's okay. I am grateful to be there because it is the right place for me. I'm excited regardless.

7. My two jobs
I love working at church. I love my coworkers and I have been constantly learning about ministry. I am so grateful to be serving where I am because it is the perfect place for me to grow. However, when I set foot back in the school building where I work as a tutor, I knew it was the place for me, too. It was good to be back at school to see the kids, to share my name, "Mrs. Awesome", and to listen and laugh with the teachers and administration. I love having a place where I show up, say, "I'm here to help," and do a wide variety of tasks from tutoring to moving boxes to labeling file folders.

8. My secret weapon for ordination and world domination
Since Paul was an infant, we've had a special babysitter. As the kids have gotten older and my responsibilities outside the house have grown, I have been so grateful to Gabby Rosas for being able to pick up the slack to care for the children when I am in class or in meetings. I am so grateful that when the children are in her loving hands, I never have to worry at all. She's smart, capable, and she loves them. I couldn't ask for more.

9. Jansport
Recently my backpack from high school started getting worn out. I know I look 22, but actually, my 20 year high school reunion will be next year. That means my blue Jansport backpack has been with me through high school, college, and children. It's also lifetime guaranteed. I sent it back to the Jansport warranty department and they fixed it and sent it back for free. I did splurge and buy a new one this year, but I'll be using the same Jansport backpacks until I'm in the nursing home.

10. Adam
I am so grateful for my consistent and consistently flexible, husband. He works hard and doesn't get upset when situations arise like my locking my keys in the house or all of us in the kitchen at the same time while he's tying to iron his work clothes. His brain and worldview are 180 degrees different than mine, but it almost always makes us better together. I'm so right-brained, I really value his left-brained nature.

Now onto homework, for which I am also grateful!

The Blessings of Banana Bread

This morning I dropped off two loaves of fresh banana bread to a friend from high school. Our 20 year reunion is coming up next year and I hadn't seen her since graduation. I marvel at how my life path has taken me on an unplanned route, and how grateful I am for it.
Next week I head back to class. I'm working to earn my Master of Divinity degree at Brite Divinity School in Fort Worth. Eventually I want to work as a helping pastor in the United Methodist Church and also write Bible studies.
When we had children, Adam and I set up college funds for them. Each month we contribute to them and hopefully by the time they do reach college age, we'll have enough to cover what scholarships won't. That's been part of the plan. What wasn't in the plan was my return to school. So when I did enroll in seminary, it was with the understanding that it wasn't in the budget and I'd have to come up with the funds if I wanted to go. Adam and I both learned about debt the first time we went to college and I vowed not to get a student loan.
So instead of a student loan, I apply for scholarships and bake banana bread. Before I returned to school, I was brainstorming with my friend Ardis about how I could find money for school. She suggested baking banana bread. I love to bake, so it was a natural fit.
It's my fourth semester of baking my way through graduate school. This semester, so far, I've received orders for 57 loaves. Every dollar goes straight to my TCU tuition account, and so far, I've been able to stay debt-free.
I am so grateful to each and every customer. Not only does the money pay my tuition, it is a reminder again and again that I am not going to school alone or for my benefit. I am going to school to learn to serve God and God's people.
Those four eggs, four bananas, and two sticks of butter have also helped me build relationships and reconnect with loved ones from different stages of my life. Today I got to see and hug a woman I haven't seen in almost 20 years. Banana bread is delicious, but it also is an excuse for me to see friends that I've lost contact with. New friends and old friends help me by eating banana bread. Family does, too. On my customer list are high school friends, college friends, stay-at-home mom friends, teacher friends, home church friends, and new church friends. I am grateful for each one.
When I'm in class next week, I'll be thinking and thanking God for each and every person that has supported me in my ministry path. Banana bread and loved ones have helped me arrive this far; I can't wait to see what the future bakes up.

Thank you to my support crew

Last night, right before we rushed off to the circus, I arrived home from local pastor licensing school, where I had been since Sunday night. Licensing school is just a fancy name for Methodist ministry boot camp. From 7:45 a.m. to after 10 p.m. we were immersed in knowledge and relationship building with others pursing ministry goals in the UMC. We stayed at Stillwater Lodge, a Methodist retreat center located on the Paluxy River in Glen Rose.

For me, just arriving at Licensing School was a feat. Our classes were in two separate sessions, a weekend, then six days at home and five days there. Just before I left the first time, our sweet 13 year old Yorkie, Wesley Eugene, seemed to be on his deathbed and my childcare relief was stranded at Carswell AFB with a broken down car. I rushed to the vet, left Wesley in Doggie ICU, and met up with Mama Joy, our 80 year young friend who enjoys playing with the children. Since I left in chaos, I returned to chaos, and vowed to spend my six days home cleaning and organizing for when I was gone for part II.

I left the house Sunday afternoon with a two-page, ten-point-type written list of instructions about how to survive while I was gone. I had stocked the pantry with all the kids' favorites and simple meals Claire, age 9, could cook for lunch and dinner. The plan was to have our sweet babysitter, Gabby, watch them during the day and Adam, of course, take care of things at night.

I am proud of them. They didn't watch too much TV, they learned new things, the house looks normal, and they all survived, even Wesley Eugene. (In fact, I think Wesley put on 3 lbs while I was gone, making him a chubby 7-pounder.) There was a fire in the kitchen, but the kitchen didn't catch fire. Gabby took them to church for children's activities and to the library for books. She's been babysitting for us since Paul was an infant and I am so grateful to leave the children in her loving, qualified hands.

My husband, Adam, and I have different gifts and roles in the running of the household. Mostly, he takes care of everything outside of the house and I take care of everything in the house. He takes care of bills and I take care of babies. I had never been away from home for this long, so he definitely had to move outside of his comfort zone to pick up the slack while I was gone. I am so grateful for him and his patience with me as I pursue a life path that none of us planned. I certainly couldn't successfully balance all the duties in my life without his anchor balancing me out and keeping me grounded.

Licensing school for me was a gift in itself. Stillwater Lodge is beautiful and I made friends with the manager, who constantly provided everything all of us needed. A queen bed to myself and a jacuzzi bathtub. Beautiful scenery and a small beach where I wiggled my toes in the sand. Stars. That was beautiful and I will be savoring the images for a while.

The beach

We had a grueling schedule of classes. We were on task, with breaks for meals and leg-stretching, from about 7:45 a.m. to after 10 p.m. almost every night. That sounds intimidating, but I felt like a dehydrated woman in the desert who has been offered water. I was trying to ingest everything all at once. All the people, all the scenes, all the knowledge, all at once. Summer is always difficult for me because I focus on the children all day and sometimes forget that I am intelligent and can have intelligent conversations. So I went from discussions of the latest Arthur episode to theologies of baptism. I went from being surrounded by children to being surrounded by adults who are passionate about the same issues I am passionate about.

Part of the week included preaching. I had never preached a sermon and was worried about this for weeks. I had practiced, I had fretted, I had let several people read my manuscript, but I still didn't feel confident. I had received encouraging words from several friends and even a firm, inspirational talk from one. I still dreaded it.

I am firm in my call to ministry. I know that God has equipped me with gifts that are useful for the church. I am constantly affirmed in my call when I get excited about planning worship or helping a team get organized to communicate their message to the congregation. I love working behind the scenes designing graphics, planning communications, listening to people share their story, helping others clarify and communicate. I love teaching Bible studies and leading prayers. I love writing about my faith and God and sharing it with others. In all that, though, I don't feel comfortable preaching.

Part of it is lack of training. I've never had any public speaking training and what I know about writing sermons came from this session and a crash course a friend was able to give me before I left. Of course I've listened to thousands, but as far as creating one, I am at a loss.

On my assigned time, I approached the podium, spoke about two words and then began crying. I couldn't do it. I dried my eyes and face, took a deep breath and tried again. I got about five words out and had to leave again. All of the sudden I was crying uncontrollably and couldn't even catch my breath. Anxiety and self-doubt was taking over. I did get through it the third time, but not without some tears during.

I share this because what happened during and after made it worth my public vulnerability. Two ladies from my group left with me and got me laughing with silly metaphors about Jesus. One taught me her personal meditation techniques and the other had me breathing through a coffee stir stick to steady my breath. Both of them sang hymns to me and encouraged me.

Afterward, I had several honest and open conversations about anxiety with another friend. That's a problem I've dealt with for a long time, but being honest about a problem like that with someone that hasn't experienced it isn't usually helpful. If you fall apart in public like that, though, it's a blessing in that it opens the door for others to share their story with you. I can't pretend I wasn't anxious because I was standing in front of a room displaying my anxiety. I do feel better knowing that other people have similar problems. Those conversations helped me feel better and more hopeful that I can become better equipped to deal with it when it arises suddenly.

So now I'm back home, full of  new knowledge, and empowered to face the future, whatever it holds. I am grateful for new friendships. I am grateful for everyone back at home who helped me get this far. I am grateful for everyone who continues to help push me forward. Enough theology, though. I've got to mop the floor.